I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You can't special order awesome
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
