a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
