I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
