4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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