i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
