forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
