Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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