he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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