I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
