The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
