I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
