OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
There are leaves in my underwear?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
