I think i peed on brittanys purse
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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