I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
