Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
