He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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