Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
