You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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