his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
