my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
