DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
