So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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