Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
