You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
