I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She needs sedatives and a leash
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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