proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
