Soap is not a condiment
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
