Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
