everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
