Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
