4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
