i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
