My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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