Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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