i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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