God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
