She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
