So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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