Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
