i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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