Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
