Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
