i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
