If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
