I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
