When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Floor bacon is actually really good
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
