Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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