Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
