she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
