found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
