i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
